Hello again,
Evan Hadkin has made a couple of comments about matters
raised on IQAdult and while I had read some of his blog "Livingauthentically.org " I put off an in depth reading because of time constraints.
I wish I hadn't. It is well worth spending time there.
There are several valuable downloads and lots of other interesting blogs are mentioned.
Here is a piece from his blog.
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"You know those arguments where you feel you have been there before? Where you feel that you can predict what is going to be said next? As if the people were following a script?
At times like this we have often slipped into a role. One of the simplest ways of looking at these roles comes from analysing stage drama. In this analysis (and there are many others) there are three basic roles: persecutor, victim and rescuer. The dramatic element is the switching around of these roles.
Here’s an example to explain what I mean. Imagine a Western. The hero (rescuer) rides in to save the fair damsel (victim) from her evil uncle (persecutor) plotting to take her farm from her. Imagine the scene where the evil uncle (now victim) is held at gunpoint by the hero (now persecutor) and the fair damsel (now rescuer) pleads for her uncle’s life. The hero is distracted by the fair damsel allowing the evil uncle (now persecutor) to gain possession of the gun and hold at gunpoint both the hero and fair damsel (now both victim). At this point for there to be more drama a rescuer needs to be introduced (cue the cavalry).
These roles can be found in pretty much any dramatic work, a detective story, a comedy, science fiction or romance, the list is virtually endless.
Often in those moments where we feel that know what is going to happen next we have slipped into these kinds of roles. The challenge is to step outside of the role and this will be the topic of my next post.
This way of analysing relationships was developed by Stephen Karpman in the early days of Transactional Analysis. The best introduction to Transactional Analysis (and the best self-therapy book I know) is Born To Win by James and Jongeward. It includes a chapter on games.
To reflect on:
- Choose a situation that you don’t like and you feel like “I’ve been here before” or “I know what is going to be said next”.
- Look for the switch.
- Ask yourself who is playing what role.
- Ask yourself what is it that I get from playing this role. (It may confirm ideas you have about yourself and others).
Loads of books and studies have been compiled about role playing. It's not surprising seeing it happens in every aspect of interpersonal contact. It's in the office, at the shop, within families, among lovers and with authority figures.
Knowing what role we are playing consciously or unconsciously is an insight into our character and motives behind our actions. Knowing yourself is the key to understanding others. If you realize you are taking the victim role or persecutor: ask yourself why. What do you want, or more importantly lack?
Do you lack courage or belief in yourself so you take the victim role? Do you feel angry and emotionally deprived, so you take the agressor role? Recognizing this is the beginning of understanding the most important person in your life - you.
If you are struggling mentally or emotionally; analyze the role you play.
If you can see the roles others are playing it may very well save you pain in the future or deepen a friendship. In any case it will make you more aware of how to treat situations by the role you consciously take rather than simply react to their role. This can be a valuable asset.
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So many people join chat forums and start their own blogs so it puzzles me why so few bother to comment on blogs that are already going.
Look at the blogs you visit and note how few comments there are. Did you know you can get a training and make your name on someone elses blog? Just have your say about the topic and make it more than one or two sentences. You can start a whole new section that will be yours if you want it.
We get things done in life by colaborating with each other. Say something to me and I'll publish it. I'll promote your blog if it is of value to my readers. I'll help if you are sell something. Get in touch. http://iqadult.blogspot.com
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IQTeens is up and running now so if you know a teenager or have raised young adults or have advice for teens ( other than "grow up!") get on board.
The free book for a sign-up is still available. So far I've only sent out six! It's all explained two blogs ago.
Learn something new today,
Jay Ross.
